the place is feeling a lot fresher today, my furniture's on about it's sixth arrangement incarnation since moving here and i'm rather fond of what i've come up with. pictured above is the busy part of the room, aside from a single table not in the frame, the rest of the room is as bare as i like it. in 640x480, the cats' project on the sofa arm is clearly visible, which is a shame as not only is it the comfiest couch in history, the colour matches the giant rocket tumbler filled with stuffed animals in the corner. the speakers also sound hella hot in their current position, and you'll notice they're off the stands and back on the floor where they belong.

i set out for a walk today quite purposefully slightly underdressed for today's winds and cloudy skies, dressed enough not to freeze but not enough to protect me from feeling very much alive. it's all about embracing a cloudy day, or so i'd have you believe, and now that i'm back indoors i feel all brisk and my skin is slightly flushing under incandescent light.

after three days away from work, i'm feeling a much greater claim on my humanity and personhood. i feel centred, i feel real again, i'm feeling once more like i live on the same planet as the rest of the folks in my world. it's only from this side that i get a true idea of how much my job is affecting my sense of self these days, i guess it's just that i've learned depersonalization as a coping skill of late, and it's been harder and harder on off-hours to bounce back.

in the last three days i've managed to get on top of my personal space, spent both fun and creative time with davin, accumulated hours of quality time with my cats, had a few long phone conversations where i felt actually present, gone for a few great walks, and read big chunks of the books i've been trying to read for months. as i mentioned in my last post, i'd honestly forgotten what it feels like to feel like this every day, and with a more regular schedule and more rewarding career, it didn't used to take days off in a row for me to feel this way.

almost a year ago, when i got my last promotion, i can honestly say i was really enjoying my job. i was at a better location for a little over a month for training, and not only that, it actually felt like i was going somewhere. it was in my dull confession to myself last fall that i realized that where i am, i don't want to go any further, and that really put a name to the discontentment i'd been feeling for some months prior. i can't really disparage the company i work for, it offers opportunity for those who really ache for it. having lost the ache, however, i can't say there's many days within which i have the fun and get the rewards i used to find there.

i'm sitting in my favourite chair, the calico is grooming herself on my lap, i can feel her electricity. holden's on the speakers and a good portion of my house is immaculately clean. while it's cloudy and a bit chilly today, it's springtime and the clouds never hang around that long. today was a good day. yesterday was a good day. tuesday i was sick, but it gave me an excuse to sleep forever, something i badly needed.

of course, my alarm's already set for 3am, and it's a bit of a tough week schedule-wise to come. but i'm going to do my very best over the next five days to hang on to part of what i've experienced over these last few sleeps. the week after that, i'm off to something different for a while, something i'm far more used to, or used to be, in any event, and that's something i'm very much looking forward to.